Separated soul and body

How will you live your life being somebody that you are not? The only question I keep asking myself when someone important wants to change me. The question of should or should not. The question of why cant they just accept me for who I am. Maybe the change might be good on me. Some times people sees me as a cold, short tempered, annoying person who uses profanities as her second language. Someone with an ego of a mountain and an emotions of a burning sea. Well, maybe I am that kind of person. Often I warned the people who approaches me to be aware of what kind of beast I'm feeding inside me. But often, they said its okay. Everyone has their own limit I guess and "that's okay" may not suites the situation anymore. Should I trust those "that's okay" again? I think not. Why? Coz it ruined my life every time. I keep waking up from dying. I've healed my soul and heart for thousand times. And I let it broke as I'm watching. If only you could see the beauty in the ugly. If only you could wait. All I can guarantee is that who I am today now, will gonna be a complete different person when I'm finally can be called as a wife. Hard to believe that? Well you have to be the right person who strives and deserve to see that change. If you cant deal with it, then you're not even qualified.

And so I'm back from outer space!

Wow... I cant believe its been more than a year since my last post! Its 2013 already OMG! Now Im glad that this is just a blog. If not, dah lama aku kena cerai talak tiga kerana mengabaikan kewajipan dalam kehidupan berumah tangga dengan blog tersayang ini. Though I know I updated too much nonsense stuffs here, but still I'm glad that this blog had serves me really well in helping such a problematic psychotic fucked up person like me in expressing every single thing I've went through all this while. 

I really hate the fact that I need to refresh my memory for this comeback entry. Its tiring and hopeless and no one would care about what I've been trough I know! But still I want to say everything here coz my head is getting heavy for what matter that revolves around my life now. But its too much! I still cant figure how should I write about one fuckin year all in one entry! Trust me 2012 was CRAZY! 

And this year start with even crazier shit back to back. I almost give up with all this and be a drug addict instead. But hell that was a stupid thought that came to mind when I was upset. You see, sometimes I wonder if I was born stupid or its because I've spent too much time with stupid people which eventually have made me stupid as fuck. God this is tiring. Have all other stupid people other than me feel tired of their own stupidity?

I come to a point where I cant stand myself anymore. I dont understand how could I treated my life so awful and disgusting. To be honest I felt disgusted with my own self. And sadly I've let people treats me the same. Just like a piece of shit. Though I sensed that coming from the very beginning but I just cant fight the urge to try; just to give a shot as if it might turn out differently. But damn I always wrong. I'm jeopardizing my own self bit to bit till my dignity smashed to pieces like ashes. Yes I realized every single stupid thing I did but...I dont know. Maybe I'm just stupid. 

So now what's next? Move on and start living all over again? That sound soooo freakin boring but thats the only way to live anyway. To start a new slate. Repairing and adjusting and just simply move on. What I expect from now is to just fuckin LEARN from my mistakes. Yeah yeahhh I said it million of times before I know! That's why I said all these in here. Its like my own agreement with my self.

Work, Work, Work !

Today is my first day of becoming an official employee in Indahku Studio. I'm gonna be very serious. I chose this to be my future so I'm gonna work hard. This is for my parents. For my dad especially. I'm goin to continue his legacy. God willing.

Just go

I wont stop you. Just go. I'm trying not to think about it. So just let it be. Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. Just leave the scar time could heal it. So long my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. Should have known you bring me heartache. Almost lover always do.

Envy

Sometimes I think I'm being too transparent. I wish I could be a little bit more mysterious so that people who really wanna know me would put more effort to dig it up. But somehow, I cant hide it. I think I am a transparent type of person. I found a hard time learning you. I mean, you are unpredictable. So its hard for me to understand you yet know what's in your heart, what you're thinking. I think I became a bit paranoid because I'm afraid that I might hurt your feeling somewhere I don't know. And I'm scared that you might ignore me again, like before, which really drove me crazy! So I don't want that. But yet, it's hard for me to swim through your thick layer of mysteriousness. I don't wanna lose you. Not now. I envy you. How could you hide most part of your life while I'm being too loud about myself. You always left me confused. Even when you don't even speak. You always keep me wondering. Or maybe I'm the one who keep wondering everything about you. Doubt at you even when you might be real. Maybe I like you too much that I felt so insecure. Maybe I want you to prove something to me. Perhaps, at least, your feelings towards me. Well I know. I wont push you. I'll keep those wonders to myself. Coz the truth may hurt and the happiness might not last for long. So what do you say? Follow the flow? Well easy for you and I'm weak. I keep losing from the very beginning.

Am I dying ?

I dont wanna see doctor. I dont wanna know what's wrong with me. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of the fact that something might go wrong with my body. My health. Maybe I should just need to be calmed whenever I got the attacks. Breathing difficulties. Never ending coughs. I should pray that my lungs be good to me. I hate that feeling. I hate that taste. It taste like blood but I will never try to spit 'em just to find out whether its blood or what. I wont. I'm too scared. "Please see the doctor" So tell me, for what? Another prescription? Well recently the doctor said that my anti-body were too weak that I cant simply take pills. They might be too strong that my body cant handle which then leads to harmful effects. Now, how? Do I still need to see those doctors? And what's next? Ohhh yeah my digestive system also being too sensitive. Just eating meat could caused me internal bleeding. What's that? I shat blood! So explain to me how shouldn't I freak out. They're too much that I dont have the guts to give a fuck about it. Be calm and acting natural. I'm okay. Now, who wants to marry me, raise your hand! Yeahh no one. Coz I'm one hell of trouble.

Straight Face

First time I saw you, 
I felt something. We barely talk.

First time I saw your sleepy face,
I like your messy hair. You smiled. I think you're cute. I stared at you while you smoking outside.

First time we hang out,
I followed them from behind.

First time you text me,
I love how you keep the conversation alive.


First time we met just the two of us,
I ate a burger and you want Barbican but they dont have it. Well I'm glad you came.


First time we're out on a date,
Paint hunting and KFC. Teased me with those screen grabs. I dont know how to react.

First time we went to watch a movie together,
In Time. Was fuckin cold then you hold my hand. Thank god its dark coz I'm blushed. 

First time you brought me to a gig,
I got the chance to meet your friends. I observed how you socialized. 


First time you made my heart pounding so hard,
I cant refuse it. I'm scared.


First time you ignoring me,
I'm clueless. I'm not lying but I guess I've been misunderstood. 


First time you broke my heart,
Only my best friend knows how I've been.


Well YOU. Thanks for every first time that we had. If only you know how much it hurts when you've been ignored by someone important to you. I dont know what else to do. I tried. And I keep trying to neutralize whats been happening between us but I dont think you like the idea. The more I waited the more I'm hurt. If only you would understands my reluctance. I dont know what I am to you now. Your face flooded in my memory; both in my mind and in my phone. Everyday I questioned myself should I keep it or should I clean them all. I keep wondering if my image still safely saved in your phone. Or at least, in your mind. I just dont know what to think. Sometimes I feel like giving up because we both know that we're wrong at the first place. We're never supposed to be like this. But who can ever deny FEELINGS? Well YOU, I'm willing to wait. But tell me is it worth the wait? Or you want me to let go. Tell me.