Just go

I wont stop you. Just go. I'm trying not to think about it. So just let it be. Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. Just leave the scar time could heal it. So long my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. Should have known you bring me heartache. Almost lover always do.

Envy

Sometimes I think I'm being too transparent. I wish I could be a little bit more mysterious so that people who really wanna know me would put more effort to dig it up. But somehow, I cant hide it. I think I am a transparent type of person. I found a hard time learning you. I mean, you are unpredictable. So its hard for me to understand you yet know what's in your heart, what you're thinking. I think I became a bit paranoid because I'm afraid that I might hurt your feeling somewhere I don't know. And I'm scared that you might ignore me again, like before, which really drove me crazy! So I don't want that. But yet, it's hard for me to swim through your thick layer of mysteriousness. I don't wanna lose you. Not now. I envy you. How could you hide most part of your life while I'm being too loud about myself. You always left me confused. Even when you don't even speak. You always keep me wondering. Or maybe I'm the one who keep wondering everything about you. Doubt at you even when you might be real. Maybe I like you too much that I felt so insecure. Maybe I want you to prove something to me. Perhaps, at least, your feelings towards me. Well I know. I wont push you. I'll keep those wonders to myself. Coz the truth may hurt and the happiness might not last for long. So what do you say? Follow the flow? Well easy for you and I'm weak. I keep losing from the very beginning.

Am I dying ?

I dont wanna see doctor. I dont wanna know what's wrong with me. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of the fact that something might go wrong with my body. My health. Maybe I should just need to be calmed whenever I got the attacks. Breathing difficulties. Never ending coughs. I should pray that my lungs be good to me. I hate that feeling. I hate that taste. It taste like blood but I will never try to spit 'em just to find out whether its blood or what. I wont. I'm too scared. "Please see the doctor" So tell me, for what? Another prescription? Well recently the doctor said that my anti-body were too weak that I cant simply take pills. They might be too strong that my body cant handle which then leads to harmful effects. Now, how? Do I still need to see those doctors? And what's next? Ohhh yeah my digestive system also being too sensitive. Just eating meat could caused me internal bleeding. What's that? I shat blood! So explain to me how shouldn't I freak out. They're too much that I dont have the guts to give a fuck about it. Be calm and acting natural. I'm okay. Now, who wants to marry me, raise your hand! Yeahh no one. Coz I'm one hell of trouble.

Straight Face

First time I saw you, 
I felt something. We barely talk.

First time I saw your sleepy face,
I like your messy hair. You smiled. I think you're cute. I stared at you while you smoking outside.

First time we hang out,
I followed them from behind.

First time you text me,
I love how you keep the conversation alive.


First time we met just the two of us,
I ate a burger and you want Barbican but they dont have it. Well I'm glad you came.


First time we're out on a date,
Paint hunting and KFC. Teased me with those screen grabs. I dont know how to react.

First time we went to watch a movie together,
In Time. Was fuckin cold then you hold my hand. Thank god its dark coz I'm blushed. 

First time you brought me to a gig,
I got the chance to meet your friends. I observed how you socialized. 


First time you made my heart pounding so hard,
I cant refuse it. I'm scared.


First time you ignoring me,
I'm clueless. I'm not lying but I guess I've been misunderstood. 


First time you broke my heart,
Only my best friend knows how I've been.


Well YOU. Thanks for every first time that we had. If only you know how much it hurts when you've been ignored by someone important to you. I dont know what else to do. I tried. And I keep trying to neutralize whats been happening between us but I dont think you like the idea. The more I waited the more I'm hurt. If only you would understands my reluctance. I dont know what I am to you now. Your face flooded in my memory; both in my mind and in my phone. Everyday I questioned myself should I keep it or should I clean them all. I keep wondering if my image still safely saved in your phone. Or at least, in your mind. I just dont know what to think. Sometimes I feel like giving up because we both know that we're wrong at the first place. We're never supposed to be like this. But who can ever deny FEELINGS? Well YOU, I'm willing to wait. But tell me is it worth the wait? Or you want me to let go. Tell me.

Total lost

Bety,

You lose the game. You lose your dignity. You may die now. Enough said. 

Pounding Heart

Pounding heart. Thousands of thoughts running through my head and I'm speechless. Guess what? I'm scared.